Well it's nearly time for the fat man in the red suit to arrive again. Personally I think he would look more stylish in a white suit with brown spots on it. Just saying.
To tell the truth it has been so long since I last saw him - must be about a year? I'm not that good with time - that I had nearly forgotten all about him, until my favourite person started channelling Mariah Carey/Justin Beiber Christmas songs and bringing home mysterious parcels that she stashes in the back bedroom.
I managed to follow her in there last week and some of the packages smell wonderful, I hope they are for me! Last Christmas I got a stocking filled with doggie treats which was OK, nothing special. Mostly because I can cute my favourite person into giving me treats at almost any time of the day or night anyway. I did receive another present that I had high hopes for, however, those hopes have remained largely unfulfilled.
Imagine my excitement when my favourite person presented me with my very own, special new best friend. She (I could tell it was a she from her curling eyelashes and sweet smile) was a very beautiful dog, white with black spots. She didn't say much and just lies around like a stuffed mullet. Or a stuffed Dalmatian, which is what she looks like. I have to confess I am a little disappointed with the lack of action, you know... down there. My favourite person tells me the vet made that happen. No wonder I hate going to vet, he takes away all my fun.
So the only enjoyment I get with my stuffed best friend is to tease that big lump of brainless muscle. You know who I'm talking about, that Bundy. I make out like my special spotted stuffed lover dog is the best thing since sliced bread. Licking and humping her and running around the house barking joyfully. After a while of this, lump head Bundy can't stand it any more so he chases after me and grabs my spotted lover dog off me (I play hard to get and keep it away from him for a while to create even more suspense). So then he gets my spotted lover dog, and... well, he doesn't know what to do next. I looked like I was having so much fun with her, and now he can't work it out. She just lies there. After a few exploratory licks and bites he gives up and goes back to his bed. So I start doing it all over again with my stuffed spotty lover.
Sometimes THAT MAN intervenes and yells at me for running around the house teasing Bundy. Let me tell you this is also enormous fun and probably my next favourite thing. He takes my spotted lover off me after chasing me around the house for a while. Usually he puts it on one of the stools at the kitchen bench. Of course next time my favourite person walks past she takes it off the stool and gives it back to me and encourages me to tease bonehead with it again. Aah, happy times.
I tell you it is hours of fun, after a whole year of this boofhead still hasn't worked out that my spotted lover dog is just a stuffed toy and won't play back to him. Good times. Making Bundy look stupid has to be one of the best feelings in the world. Well maybe not the best but I guess I am never going to know if sex is better because the vet took that away from me. Oh well.
I hope your Christmas has more sex in it than mine will, and that your stockings hold more that dog treats.
yours in cuteness and playful stuffed toy fun,
Kenny the spotted wonder dog.
